i've gotten too good at dreaming 
up alternative lifeworlds. i've run out of tomorrows 
to place my things in: the couch i just bought, 
my jacket, my keys, my feet. 
talk to me and i'll talk back ten years into the future 
when i've got things figured out, 
after the world goes nuclear and all that's left 
to do is sit around and wait. 

in the meantime, you've gotten flexible,
stretching out and curling yourself around me
warm & analgesic, saying "baby, i'm all you want."
i desire you so badly it hurts,
so badly i don't know what to do with myself,
but i'm tired of making your coffee,
fetching your takeout, getting you off. 
i want more because i know there's more to be had.
i'm a fool to make demands of you. 
you humor them all, kissing me where i like 
while your grip tightens. stillness alarms me.
i want more, more, more.

i insist i'm a visionary; you tell me i'm the best there ever was,
and you know because you've read the books and studied the theory.
i call myself a revolutionary; you've got a step-by-step plan
of places to be and petitions to sign. leave the gun at home.
turn on your location, sweetheart. let me look out for you
just like i do when i clean up all your messes,
the shit you get yourself into without me there.

when we fight, you're always the bigger person.
i am ferine even when i'm cradled in your arms.
diagnose me: i need guidance, direction, purpose.
you put your fingers in my mouth to administer the antidote
and never take them out. 
pennies under my tongue, jaw hinged open
oft on tap for the strip search.
it's a safety measure, darling. protecting you 
from the dirty, the perverted, the necrophilic invasion
you would've become. don't you understand?
i make you innocent; i make you good.
i nod but my desire twists. i want more.

when i run away i leave my name on every wall i pass
in a language only you can understand,
wishing you'll follow me home, staggering,
inching through the city block-by-block 
for you have never truly learned freedom.
i know you'll catch up to me eventually.
though stiff, you are quick and cunning,
hand-drawn frames flipping fast past 
queer nightclubs and undecided daycares
like an old film i hope you'll memorialize me in.
i live to be seen by you. 
i live to be another one
of your disappeared lovers.